kevyn: (meme)
( Jun. 11th, 2020 03:41 pm)
The journal you are now encountering is my emotional dumping ground. I keep most of it behind a friends-only filter, so that the whole world doesn't see my business. This is my real-life journal, and one of the ways I have learned to constructively deal with my unstable emotions is to write about them. My friends, family, and trusted others get to see the whole picture of me, warts and all. The only things I generally allow the whole world to read are miscellaneous memes, news articles, humour, political items, and anything else that happens catches my atten... oooh, look! Shiny!

If you would like to read most of my writings, you will need to create a Dreamwidth account. Please email me to add you to the list:

If you are currently a subscriber and want to remove me, that's fine. I won't be offended. Just drop me a note to say you don't have time to read me right now, or whatever, and I'll understand.

And if I read your comment and forget to comment back, don't take it personally. I'm absent minded that way, and a horrible procrastinator when it comes to text communications -- I tend to sit on things a while.

Sex filter: I also have a friends-only filter for slutty subjects, namely where I write openly about my sex life -- which usually (but not always!) involves big hairy men. In order to read these posts, you must specifically ask to be given access to my carnal inner sanctum.

End-User License Agreement (EULA): By reading this LiveJournal, You agree to Bind your Soul to Mine for all Eternity. Furthermore, You agree to develop a sense of humour, to not take things I say so seriously (especially when I'm being egotistical, whiny, or sarcastic), hold harmless the author for any and all copyright or copyleft infringements, and to not take it personally when He thoughtlessly forgets to answer Your comments in a timely fashion. RadicalFaerie customs, mores, and decorum rule in this space. Adult subject matter is contained within. You have been warned.

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...why am I still inside?

Current weather: Sunny & clear, +16C (61F) and a light breeze. Just perfect.
Today, I start Step 3 of my Nicotine replacement regimen, with 7mg patches. This is a 7mg step-down from the 14mg patches, which I was on for a couple of weeks. I made the transition from 21mg to 14mg pretty painlessly, so I am hoping that this step down will be just as easy.

It's been 7 weeks since my last cigarette, on April 15th. I'm pretty impressed with my success so far. I'm still chomping on straws, and I know I've gained a little weight, but I'm past the worst of the process. The next hurdle will be going off the Nicotine patches completely 2 weeks from now... please be patient with me during that time period!

I want to give a special thank you to [personal profile] snousle for helping me obtain the full regimen of patches. Thank you, Tony!
I went to the library today, and while browsing the DVD collection, one title jumped out at me: God on Trial, a 2008 BBC/PBS co-production about a group of inmates at Auschwitz who put God on trial for breaking the Covenant with the Jewish people. The final arguments in the trial are devastating, and closely follow the very line of thought that led me down the path into atheism in the first place. The performances are also remarkable and worth seeing.
Video from last week's Prop 8 protest here in Bellingham:
kevyn: (depressed)
( May. 29th, 2009 04:55 pm)
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do with myself.

Without Internet, I have little to keep me occupied. I have few friends, none nearby, that I can go hang out with. Normally, this is not a problem, because I can keep myself occupied with information or games, or interact with my friends online. But now...

Who am I? What am I? Without Internet I feel stranded, lost.
kevyn: (depressed)
( May. 28th, 2009 12:12 pm)
(Another library post, since my Internet is still down)

This has been a perfectly dreadful morning. The Akathisia has been bad, even though I didn't take an Abilify today or yesterday. I'm somewhat depressed and not thinking clearly. I had to force myself out of bed, and managed to get myself dressed, and walked to the bus stop before having what was essentially a panic attack. I went right back home, then sat on the front steps looking for someone to borrow a phone from, so I could call Debbie (my DVR caseworker) to tell her I just couldn't make it.

A Bellingham city worker was installing traffic monitors in the street in front of the house, and turns out it was Justin ([personal profile] man_of_snows' partner). He let me use his phone, and Debbie told me to call the doctor. I promised I would. Justin showed me how the monitors worked -- they are magnetic detectors -- and then I went over to [profile] seespikerun's to use his phone and call Interfaith. I asked to speak to the nurse, told her what was happening, and got her OK to stop taking the Abilify (which I already have). She'll let my prescribing physician know what happened, and I'll be in to see the psychiatrist next week.

Then, after resting a few minutes, letting the panic pass, I caught the bus downtown and went to the library, where I am now. I have an appointment at Interfaith in half an hour to get my STD test results -- I am expecting them to all be negative. Then I am going back home and back to bed.
Been tossing and turning for a couple of hours now. I want to be asleep, but the Akathisia is back. I hate this. I'm so scared.

I am going to stop taking the Abilify.
kevyn: (Default)
( May. 26th, 2009 09:00 am)
From Wikipedia:
"Akathisia, or acathisia, is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless... ...Its most common cause is as a side effect of medications."

"Akathisia may range in intensity from a mild sense of disquiet or anxiety (which may be easily overlooked) to a total inability to sit still, accompanied by overwhelming anxiety, malaise, and severe dysphoria (manifesting as an almost indescribable sense of terror and doom). The condition is difficult for the patient to describe and is often misdiagnosed... ...High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a sense of inner tension and torment or chemical torture." (Emphasis mine)

And here's the kicker:

Akathisia is listed as THE most common side effect of Abilify.
From Wikipedia:
Common side effects: Akathisia, headache, unusual tiredness or weakness, nausea, vomiting, an uncomfortable feeling in the stomach, constipation, light-headedness, trouble sleeping, restlessness, sleepiness, shaking, and blurred vision. (Emphasis mine to indicate symptoms I have experienced since beginning Abilify)
I gotta get off of this stuff. It's making me miserable.
The California Supreme Court is expected to hand down its gay marriage decision This Tuesday (May 26). If you're in Bellingham, join us at 5:30pm at the corner of Magnolia and Cornwall (at the Federal Bldg.) for a pro-marriage rally. If it's a positive decision, we'll celebrate. If it's negative, we'll protest.
More info:
I'm off to the Longhouse Radical Faerie Gathering for the long weekend! For this weekend, I will not worry about:

  • jobs
  • meds
  • disabilities
  • housing
  • public assistance
  • ...or anything else that won't matter in 100 years.

    That will all still be there for me to worry about come Tuesday.

    For this weekend, I am a humble servant of the Bog Goddess, and I shall revel in her moistness!
  • Tags:
    I went to Worksource for my NW CLIC volunteering interview this morning, a knot of anxiety. It actually went pretty well. I really seemed to impress the volunteer coordinator, who looks forward to me working 8-10 hrs. a week. They want me to take over the Microsoft Excel class, so I have my work cut out for me.

    I also learned something interesting at WorkSource: I can get FREE certification in just about *anything* Microsoft trains and certifies in, through a pilot program called Microsoft Elevate America. WorkSource provides the vouchers for the online courses and certification testing. I'm going to immediately get certification in Microsoft Office, etc., and take some of the more advanced IT professional training courses and get certified in them, as well. For FREE.

    Yeah, I'll do it.

    I go home and started reading the course materials, and I realized I was feeling restless. So I took a walk, then caught the bus to WECU and withdrew some money for this weekend, then bought myself a Coke and walked downtown to see the new sculpture, Axiom Dyno Trilobyte, which was installed today at the Bellingham WTA bus station. It's a kinetic wind sculpture that is truly mesmerizing to watch:

    The AXIOM (delivery and test mode) from Anthony Howe on Vimeo.

    Aftewards, I rode the bus home, and continued to read course materials, when Werebear came over. It was a truly glorious day, so he made me go outside, and took me down to Boulevard Park, where we ate pizza and laid on a blanket and watched the shirtless men, while I read my course materials.

    What started out as an anxious morning turned out to be a pretty good day!
    kevyn: (Default)
    ( May. 20th, 2009 09:59 pm)
    This evening, I've experienced a bit of a mood swing, from despairing to feeling confident again. After feeling so down for a while, it's good to feel good again.

    No doubt, this is in part because I've actually got something in my belly other than just carbs (tip o' the hat to [personal profile] detailbear for reminding me that my diet hasn't been so great lately), and in part because the Abilify dose is back down to the level where I feel good, and in part because of the good weather, and in part because I'm looking forward to this coming weekend at the Longhouse.

    But whatever the reasons, I felt good enough and energetic enough this evening that I went for a short walk to the woods and back at 9:30 -- my second walk today! -- and am doing some thinking about my future and where I'm going. I'm even thinking about trying to work again... how's THAT for a mood swing?

    In any case, I've got a lot to think about, and I have a feeling that things are going to start clicking into place here again... break time is over!
    kevyn: (depressed)
    ( May. 18th, 2009 03:41 pm)
    I'm not doing well right now. I'm tired all the time. Sleeping way more than 8 hours a day.

    Between the anemia, the depression, and (maybe) the Abilify, I'm barely functional. Thankfully they've reduced the Abilify dose, back down to 5mg a day. I just wish they knew what was causing the anemia.

    I got up around 09:00, took my meds, ate, read the news, and then went back to bed until around 13:30. Dressed, took the bus downtown to the Opportunity Council for my appointment with the energy assistance program (they're helping pay my electricity), and came home, and promptly collapsed back into bed.

    While I was out, I had to sit down and catch my breath several times. I felt fearful, almost agoraphobic about being outside. WTF?

    Tossed and turned a while, then got up and wrote this. That's the extent of my day so far.
    kevyn: (Default)
    ( May. 17th, 2009 10:45 am)
    Slept 12 hours last night.

    About ready to go back to bed again.

    UPDATE: Dozed for another 3 hours or so. Still tired. Was supposed to go to the gay mens social at the Roeder Home today with Werebear, but I don't think I am going to be up to it.

    UPDATE: Slept until about 4:30. That makes almost 17 hours sleep in the last 24. Not good. Whoretense called from the gay mens social to check up on me, but I slept through the call. That was very sweet of him.
    kevyn: (Default)
    ( May. 16th, 2009 08:46 pm)
    I have 2 invite codes for Dreamwidth (beta). Anyone else want to try the site out?

    (This entry was posted on my Dreamwidth, and automagically cross-posted to LJ).
    Confused about the war in Afghanistan & Pakistan? Not sure who we're fighting? Can't tell the difference between the Taliban and Al Qaeda? How does India's relationship with Afghanistan impact the situation in Pakistan? What is the United States doing wrong and right in the region? And what does Kashmir have to do with it all?

    Bill Moyers interviewed Juan Cole and Shahan Mufti on the Journal this week, and it was an excellent education for me in the geopolitics of the region. This is 30 minutes of TV that is well-worth watching.
    Kelly Björk sent me this postcard for her show, "personas," of which I am a subject (I'm the bearded gent just above the "o").
    The show will be at Digs (200 West Holly in Bellingham) from June 1-30, 2009.
    Opening reception will be Friday, June 5th, from 6-10 pm.

    kevyn: (Default)
    ( May. 15th, 2009 04:13 pm)
    Went to Interfaith today for a medical check up with my nurse practitioner. Weight is up 5 pounds since last month, at 417. She congratulated me on quitting smoking, and talked with me about the increasing fatigue, and the anemia, both of which are concerns, and may be related. She agreed to lower the dose of Abilify from 10mg back down to 5mg, which may be a cause of the fatigue. She also ordered a battery of blood work for the anemia, which she has identified as Normocytic anemia -- meaning I have lowered red blood cell count, but normal sized cells. White blood cell count and iron levels are normal. A colonoscopy will not be necessary, because the stool samples came back negative for blood.

    She says she will consult with an M.D. about the anemia, to see if we can figure out what's going on, because I am frankly tired all the time.

    She also ordered a battery of STD screens, which I ask for yearly.
    Today marks one month since I quit smoking (I had my last cigarette on April 15th).

    Mostly, I'm fine with it, having substituted straws for smokes, and I am still on the 21mg patches (with the accompanying wild dreams). Soon, I will step down to the 14mg patches for a few weeks, followed by the 7mg patches, and eventually, no patches (that step I am afraid of).

    I've been able to resist when around other smokers, and I've only gained 4 pounds (up to 416), so it's good so far. Most days I don't find myself wanting a cigarette, which is a real positive.


    kevyn: (Default)


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