Hagrid is in the House!

It's a beautiful day outside...

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 21:27:19 GMT

...why am I still inside?

Current weather: Sunny & clear, +16C (61F) and a light breeze. Just perfect.

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Nicotine Patches down to 7mg daily

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 16:15:08 GMT

Today, I start Step 3 of my Nicotine replacement regimen, with 7mg patches. This is a 7mg step-down from the 14mg patches, which I was on for a couple of weeks. I made the transition from 21mg to 14mg pretty painlessly, so I am hoping that this step down will be just as easy.

It's been 7 weeks since my last cigarette, on April 15th. I'm pretty impressed with my success so far. I'm still chomping on straws, and I know I've gained a little weight, but I'm past the worst of the process. The next hurdle will be going off the Nicotine patches completely 2 weeks from now... please be patient with me during that time period!

I want to give a special thank you to snousle for helping me obtain the full regimen of patches. Thank you, Tony!

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God on Trial: God is not good, He was only on our side.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 07:04:46 GMT

I went to the library today, and while browsing the DVD collection, one title jumped out at me: God on Trial, a 2008 BBC/PBS co-production about a group of inmates at Auschwitz who put God on trial for breaking the Covenant with the Jewish people. The final arguments in the trial are devastating, and closely follow the very line of thought that led me down the path into atheism in the first place. The performances are also remarkable and worth seeing.

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Prop 8 Day of Decision protest video

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 20:03:43 GMT

Video from last week's Prop 8 protest here in Bellingham:

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A dreadful morning

Thu, 28 May 2009 19:27:59 GMT

(Another library post, since my Internet is still down)

This has been a perfectly dreadful morning. The Akathisia has been bad, even though I didn't take an Abilify today or yesterday. I'm somewhat depressed and not thinking clearly. I had to force myself out of bed, and managed to get myself dressed, and walked to the bus stop before having what was essentially a panic attack. I went right back home, then sat on the front steps looking for someone to borrow a phone from, so I could call Debbie (my DVR caseworker) to tell her I just couldn't make it.

A Bellingham city worker was installing traffic monitors in the street in front of the house, and turns out it was Justin (man_of_snows' partner). He let me use his phone, and Debbie told me to call the doctor. I promised I would. Justin showed me how the monitors worked -- they are magnetic detectors -- and then I went over to seespikerun's to use his phone and call Interfaith. I asked to speak to the nurse, told her what was happening, and got her OK to stop taking the Abilify (which I already have). She'll let my prescribing physician know what happened, and I'll be in to see the psychiatrist next week.

Then, after resting a few minutes, letting the panic pass, I caught the bus downtown and went to the library, where I am now. I have an appointment at Interfaith in half an hour to get my STD test results -- I am expecting them to all be negative. Then I am going back home and back to bed.

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Akathisia

Tue, 26 May 2009 16:11:11 GMT

From Wikipedia:
"Akathisia, or acathisia, is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless... ...Its most common cause is as a side effect of medications."

"Akathisia may range in intensity from a mild sense of disquiet or anxiety (which may be easily overlooked) to a total inability to sit still, accompanied by overwhelming anxiety, malaise, and severe dysphoria (manifesting as an almost indescribable sense of terror and doom). The condition is difficult for the patient to describe and is often misdiagnosed... ...High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a sense of inner tension and torment or chemical torture." (Emphasis mine)

And here's the kicker:

Akathisia is listed as THE most common side effect of Abilify.

From Wikipedia:
Common side effects: Akathisia, headache, unusual tiredness or weakness, nausea, vomiting, an uncomfortable feeling in the stomach, constipation, light-headedness, trouble sleeping, restlessness, sleepiness, shaking, and blurred vision. (Emphasis mine to indicate symptoms I have experienced since beginning Abilify)

I gotta get off of this stuff. It's making me miserable.

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PROP 8 DAY OF DECISION ALERT

Fri, 22 May 2009 18:07:49 GMT

The California Supreme Court is expected to hand down its gay marriage decision This Tuesday (May 26). If you're in Bellingham, join us at 5:30pm at the corner of Magnolia and Cornwall (at the Federal Bldg.) for a pro-marriage rally. If it's a positive decision, we'll celebrate. If it's negative, we'll protest.
More info: http://www.dayofdecision.com/

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Gone to the Longhouse Gathering!

Fri, 22 May 2009 16:37:10 GMT

I'm off to the Longhouse Radical Faerie Gathering for the long weekend! For this weekend, I will not worry about:

jobs

meds

disabilities

housing

public assistance

...or anything else that won't matter in 100 years.

That will all still be there for me to worry about come Tuesday.

For this weekend, I am a humble servant of the Bog Goddess, and I shall revel in her moistness!

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It turned out to be a nice day!

Fri, 22 May 2009 03:59:06 GMT

I went to Worksource for my NW CLIC volunteering interview this morning, a knot of anxiety. It actually went pretty well. I really seemed to impress the volunteer coordinator, who looks forward to me working 8-10 hrs. a week. They want me to take over the Microsoft Excel class, so I have my work cut out for me.

I also learned something interesting at WorkSource: I can get FREE certification in just about *anything* Microsoft trains and certifies in, through a pilot program called Microsoft Elevate America. WorkSource provides the vouchers for the online courses and certification testing. I'm going to immediately get certification in Microsoft Office, etc., and take some of the more advanced IT professional training courses and get certified in them, as well. For FREE.

Yeah, I'll do it.

I go home and started reading the course materials, and I realized I was feeling restless. So I took a walk, then caught the bus to WECU and withdrew some money for this weekend, then bought myself a Coke and walked downtown to see the new sculpture, Axiom Dyno Trilobyte, which was installed today at the Bellingham WTA bus station. It's a kinetic wind sculpture that is truly mesmerizing to watch:

The AXIOM (delivery and test mode) from Anthony Howe on Vimeo.

Aftewards, I rode the bus home, and continued to read course materials, when Werebear came over. It was a truly glorious day, so he made me go outside, and took me down to Boulevard Park, where we ate pizza and laid on a blanket and watched the shirtless men, while I read my course materials.

What started out as an anxious morning turned out to be a pretty good day!

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Whoa. Mood swing.

Thu, 21 May 2009 05:12:42 GMT

This evening, I've experienced a bit of a mood swing, from despairing to feeling confident again. After feeling so down for a while, it's good to feel good again.

No doubt, this is in part because I've actually got something in my belly other than just carbs (tip o' the hat to detailbear for reminding me that my diet hasn't been so great lately), and in part because the Abilify dose is back down to the level where I feel good, and in part because of the good weather, and in part because I'm looking forward to this coming weekend at the Longhouse.

But whatever the reasons, I felt good enough and energetic enough this evening that I went for a short walk to the woods and back at 9:30 -- my second walk today! -- and am doing some thinking about my future and where I'm going. I'm even thinking about trying to work again... how's THAT for a mood swing?

In any case, I've got a lot to think about, and I have a feeling that things are going to start clicking into place here again... break time is over!

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Tired all the time.

Mon, 18 May 2009 23:04:26 GMT

I'm not doing well right now. I'm tired all the time. Sleeping way more than 8 hours a day.

Between the anemia, the depression, and (maybe) the Abilify, I'm barely functional. Thankfully they've reduced the Abilify dose, back down to 5mg a day. I just wish they knew what was causing the anemia.

I got up around 09:00, took my meds, ate, read the news, and then went back to bed until around 13:30. Dressed, took the bus downtown to the Opportunity Council for my appointment with the energy assistance program (they're helping pay my electricity), and came home, and promptly collapsed back into bed.

While I was out, I had to sit down and catch my breath several times. I felt fearful, almost agoraphobic about being outside. WTF?

Tossed and turned a while, then got up and wrote this. That's the extent of my day so far.

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Tired.

Sun, 17 May 2009 17:46:08 GMT

Slept 12 hours last night.

About ready to go back to bed again.

UPDATE: Dozed for another 3 hours or so. Still tired. Was supposed to go to the gay mens social at the Roeder Home today with Werebear, but I don't think I am going to be up to it.

UPDATE: Slept until about 4:30. That makes almost 17 hours sleep in the last 24. Not good. Whoretense called from the gay mens social to check up on me, but I slept through the call. That was very sweet of him.

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Dreamwidth invites

Sun, 17 May 2009 03:47:42 GMT

I have 2 invite codes for Dreamwidth (beta). Anyone else want to try the site out?

(This entry was posted on my Dreamwidth, and automagically cross-posted to LJ).

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Bill Moyers on Afghanistan-Pakistan

Sat, 16 May 2009 02:32:56 GMT

Confused about the war in Afghanistan & Pakistan? Not sure who we're fighting? Can't tell the difference between the Taliban and Al Qaeda? How does India's relationship with Afghanistan impact the situation in Pakistan? What is the United States doing wrong and right in the region? And what does Kashmir have to do with it all?

Bill Moyers interviewed Juan Cole and Shahan Mufti on the Journal this week, and it was an excellent education for me in the geopolitics of the region. This is 30 minutes of TV that is well-worth watching.

http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/05152009/watch.html

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Personas: An art show by Kelly Björk

Sat, 16 May 2009 00:13:23 GMT

Kelly Björk sent me this postcard for her show, "personas," of which I am a subject (I'm the bearded gent just above the "o").
The show will be at Digs (200 West Holly in Bellingham) from June 1-30, 2009.
Opening reception will be Friday, June 5th, from 6-10 pm.

Personas postard (front)

Personas postcard (back)

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Medical check-up

Fri, 15 May 2009 23:24:32 GMT

Went to Interfaith today for a medical check up with my nurse practitioner. Weight is up 5 pounds since last month, at 417. She congratulated me on quitting smoking, and talked with me about the increasing fatigue, and the anemia, both of which are concerns, and may be related. She agreed to lower the dose of Abilify from 10mg back down to 5mg, which may be a cause of the fatigue. She also ordered a battery of blood work for the anemia, which she has identified as Normocytic anemia -- meaning I have lowered red blood cell count, but normal sized cells. White blood cell count and iron levels are normal. A colonoscopy will not be necessary, because the stool samples came back negative for blood.

She says she will consult with an M.D. about the anemia, to see if we can figure out what's going on, because I am frankly tired all the time.

She also ordered a battery of STD screens, which I ask for yearly.

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One month without cigarettes

Fri, 15 May 2009 15:51:52 GMT

Today marks one month since I quit smoking (I had my last cigarette on April 15th).

Mostly, I'm fine with it, having substituted straws for smokes, and I am still on the 21mg patches (with the accompanying wild dreams). Soon, I will step down to the 14mg patches for a few weeks, followed by the 7mg patches, and eventually, no patches (that step I am afraid of).

I've been able to resist when around other smokers, and I've only gained 4 pounds (up to 416), so it's good so far. Most days I don't find myself wanting a cigarette, which is a real positive.

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Pissed off at Obama

Fri, 15 May 2009 01:41:32 GMT

OK Mr. President, let's see...

* You refuse to release torture photos of crimes committed by the previous administration with the lame excuse, "it will inflame anti-American sentiment." I've got news for you... you're inflaming anti-American sentiment by doing this!

* You refuse to overturn Don't Ask Don't Tell, and continue to kick gay Arab linguists out of the army while we're OCCUPYING not one but TWO Muslim countries!

* You continue to bomb hundreds of innocent civilians in Afghanistan, feeding the war machine that creates more terrorists, so your campaign contributor buddies can keep getting rich!

* And you have taken Single Payer Health Care off the table!

Is there some particular reason people thought you were the "good guy" when they voted for you?

Pssssht. You're just another damn corrupt Democratic politician.

I'm glad I "wasted my vote" on the Green party. At least the candidate I voted for HAS SOME SPINE!!!!!!

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On the Waiting List for Public Housing

Thu, 14 May 2009 23:30:53 GMT

There's a new public housing building being constructed in downtown Bellingham, called the Walton Bldg. Anyone who has driven down State Street, just around the corner from the bus station, will know what building I'm talking about. It's very conveniently located, and is a "tax credit building," which means that the city gives a tax credit to the landlord in exchange for low income housing units. It will be opening in August. They have 30% rental 1 bedroom units for $280 a month for qualified renters. Based upon my income, I qualify.

On the advice of Desirae, my case worker with the Whatcom Homeless Resource Center, I called them today and got on the waiting list for a unit. No guarantee I'll get in, but at least I am on the waiting list for when they open. There are several other buildings I am also going to apply for, with the hope of finding someplace affordable to stay once my lease runs out.

*sigh*

I could deal with living downtown. Noisy, but close to EVERYTHING. Less than a block to the bus station. Three blocks to my doctor's office. Near the Co-Op and the Public Market. Not far from Ted, and Faerie Coffee.

Here's hoping!

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I wonder if the Abilify is causing my low energy?

Tue, 12 May 2009 23:30:02 GMT

My knees are starting to bother me again, seriously. I almost cannot straighten the left one out all the way, and am walking with a slight limp again.

I started off the day by taking the bus down to Haggen to go grocery shopping. After I got back, I rested a while, then went downtown to see my therapist at Interfaith. We talked about how I've been feeling really tired lately, and how I thought that quitting smoking and the anemia may be factors, and he suggested something I hadn't considered: I recently upped my dose of Abilify from 5mg to 10mg, and tiredness is a known side effect of the drug. Oho! I'll certainly be talking about this with my prescriber later this week!

While at the therapist's office, I stepped on the scale: 416 lbs. That's up 4 lbs from my previous highest. No doubt quitting smoking is a factor, but no wonder I feel so bad, I've gained weight!

I also went to the podiatrist to have my new orthotics checked out. mostly, they seem to be doing pretty good, so I don't need to go back unless I have any further problems with my feet and ankles.

This journal entry also marks my first regular entry on Dreamwidth, crossposting to LiveJournal. I am still trying to decide if I should fully migrate over there. So far, I like what I see, though I am annoyed that they, too, have a 1000 maximum on tags.

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TEST Dreamwidth -> LiveJournal TEST

Tue, 12 May 2009 16:11:00 GMT

This is a test of Dreamwidth's cross-posting functionality.
This post was made on Dreamwidth, and should be automatically cross-posted to LiveJournal.

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