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Ageism, Lookism and Sizeism in the campus queer community, part 2
So, today I was able to follow up on the unpleasant events I experienced at the Queer Dating Game that I wrote about in this post. (I hadn't been able to meet with the coordinator of the campus LGBTA group until today, because they were out at conference all last week.)
When I showed up at their office today, before I even said a word about why I was there, the coordinator, Kristin, went to get "her boss," a woman named Dori, who is some sort of full-time director for the AS (Associated Students) groups. Instead of meeting in the LGBTA office, they asked me to meet with them in Dori's office, with Dori present, to which I reluctantly agreed. That was the first sign that they were worried about me and what I had to say, and were prepared for a confrontation.
During the meeting, Kristin seemed very much open to what I had to say, but it was pretty clear to me that Dori was rather hostile -- her body language and tone of voice spoke volumes. And it came out pretty quickly that my fears about the Queer Dating Game were correct -- I had been discriminated against because of my age: Dori had made a rule that no contestant would be placed with any potential bachelors who were more than 5 years different in age, and the LGBTA followed that rule.
We discussed the issue at length, and it was a cordial discussion, but the bottom line was this: In previous years, students had complained about feeling "uncomfortable" about being potentially paired with people of varying age differences. Because of this "discomfort," the age limit was put into place, and Dori denied that this was an ageist practice.
Had that rule been expressed up front, I probably wouldn't have volunteered in the first place. But because I had, and had shown up, expecting to participate, only to be shut down in a rather uncomfortable way, I had to address this issue. After all, I am queer, I am an undergraduate, and my student fees are going to fund this organization and it's activities. This organization is here to serve me, and I feel like I am not being valued or served.
Now, it also turned out that they had more than enough men volunteering (though they struggled to find enough women), and that some men had to be turned away. That I could live with. And Kristin apologized for the poor communication in the process, and I accepted her apology.
I also suggested some sort of compromise -- instead of a flat age cut off, instead perhaps asking the participants for an age range that they were comfortable with -- which, to their credit, they agreed to. Instead of just writing off a variety of ages, at least let the participants decide what they were comfortable with, only pairing them within their comfort level. But I am not happy with this compromise, because it still panders to the ageism, the "discomfort" of students, instead of addressing the issue. It's not a perfect solution, but it's a start, and at least some dialogue is started.
In order to continue the dialogue, I also asked what I could do to help do some consciousness-raising around the issues of ageism and lookism and sizeism. They said they planned on doing that, and appreciated my input.
Through most of the meeting, I addressed my comments and questions to Kristin, as the coordinator of the LGBTA organization. Dori's presence was somewhat uncomfortable to me, and, I felt, unnecessary -- until I realized she was the one who made the age discrimination rule. When the meeting ended, and we shook hands, she didn't even look me in the eye. I believe she felt completely justified in discriminating against me. It's pretty clear now that the problem might not be with Kristin or the LGBTA at all, but with the AS paid staff.
As is so common in my life, I am a constant victim of what the French call l'esprit d'escalier -- literally, "the wit of the staircase:" thinking of a brilliant comeback after you've already left and are walking down the stairs. The brilliant response I should have come up with is this:
So, I've had the meeting, and at least got the beginnings of a dialogue started.
Where do I go with this now? How do I address these ageism issues in a respectful and constructive manner, that raises consciousness, and makes the LGBTA a better organization for it?
Any and all input and suggestions would be most welcome.
-Hagrid
When I showed up at their office today, before I even said a word about why I was there, the coordinator, Kristin, went to get "her boss," a woman named Dori, who is some sort of full-time director for the AS (Associated Students) groups. Instead of meeting in the LGBTA office, they asked me to meet with them in Dori's office, with Dori present, to which I reluctantly agreed. That was the first sign that they were worried about me and what I had to say, and were prepared for a confrontation.
During the meeting, Kristin seemed very much open to what I had to say, but it was pretty clear to me that Dori was rather hostile -- her body language and tone of voice spoke volumes. And it came out pretty quickly that my fears about the Queer Dating Game were correct -- I had been discriminated against because of my age: Dori had made a rule that no contestant would be placed with any potential bachelors who were more than 5 years different in age, and the LGBTA followed that rule.
We discussed the issue at length, and it was a cordial discussion, but the bottom line was this: In previous years, students had complained about feeling "uncomfortable" about being potentially paired with people of varying age differences. Because of this "discomfort," the age limit was put into place, and Dori denied that this was an ageist practice.
Had that rule been expressed up front, I probably wouldn't have volunteered in the first place. But because I had, and had shown up, expecting to participate, only to be shut down in a rather uncomfortable way, I had to address this issue. After all, I am queer, I am an undergraduate, and my student fees are going to fund this organization and it's activities. This organization is here to serve me, and I feel like I am not being valued or served.
Now, it also turned out that they had more than enough men volunteering (though they struggled to find enough women), and that some men had to be turned away. That I could live with. And Kristin apologized for the poor communication in the process, and I accepted her apology.
I also suggested some sort of compromise -- instead of a flat age cut off, instead perhaps asking the participants for an age range that they were comfortable with -- which, to their credit, they agreed to. Instead of just writing off a variety of ages, at least let the participants decide what they were comfortable with, only pairing them within their comfort level. But I am not happy with this compromise, because it still panders to the ageism, the "discomfort" of students, instead of addressing the issue. It's not a perfect solution, but it's a start, and at least some dialogue is started.
In order to continue the dialogue, I also asked what I could do to help do some consciousness-raising around the issues of ageism and lookism and sizeism. They said they planned on doing that, and appreciated my input.
Through most of the meeting, I addressed my comments and questions to Kristin, as the coordinator of the LGBTA organization. Dori's presence was somewhat uncomfortable to me, and, I felt, unnecessary -- until I realized she was the one who made the age discrimination rule. When the meeting ended, and we shook hands, she didn't even look me in the eye. I believe she felt completely justified in discriminating against me. It's pretty clear now that the problem might not be with Kristin or the LGBTA at all, but with the AS paid staff.
As is so common in my life, I am a constant victim of what the French call l'esprit d'escalier -- literally, "the wit of the staircase:" thinking of a brilliant comeback after you've already left and are walking down the stairs. The brilliant response I should have come up with is this:
So you admit that you did discriminate on the basis of age, because in the past, some students have expressed "discomfort" with having a diversity of ages participating.Yep, that's what I should have said. I wonder how they would have responded. (In fact, I think I'll email Kristen with this question.)
Why do you pander to those students' "discomfort?" Isn't that "discomfort" really just unaddressed ageism? Aren't you enabling their internalized ageism by doing so?
Let me put it another way. Let's say I am a queer man of colour, and I want to participate in the Queer Dating Game, but some students in the past have expressed "discomfort" in possibly being set up with a person of colour. Would you then discriminate on the basis of race, in order to address those students' "discomfort?"
Is there something "wrong" with those students who are expressing discomfort?
So, I've had the meeting, and at least got the beginnings of a dialogue started.
Where do I go with this now? How do I address these ageism issues in a respectful and constructive manner, that raises consciousness, and makes the LGBTA a better organization for it?
Any and all input and suggestions would be most welcome.
-Hagrid
no subject
As far as what you can do: My main suggestion is to just be visible in a supportive and open way. The interesting thing about colleges is that you (royal You here, not You specifically) end up dealing with a lot of people in a pretty narrow age range. You probably also have a signifcant number who have newly come out and are trying to wrap their brains around the idea that not all gay men look like Abrocombie and Finch models. Show them that LBGTs are varied and some are big and some are older and some of the big older ones are nice people who also know a few things.
I think you have a big chance to have a major influence on this group. Good luck!
Take 2
Also, it sounds like Dori unexpectedly painted herself into a corner when she added an age rule to what should of been a fun game but became a game of exclusion. I believe some need to learn from their mistakes.
Good luck.
Re: Take 2