Fear.

[kevyn]

2007.11.08-FearImage.png
Originally uploaded by kevynjacobs

In my DVR WorkStrides class today, we were given an assignment to draw an image of where we saw ourselves in the future and what barriers we saw standing between ourselves and our goals.

Mine was... frightening.

I threw myself into the assignment -- to the detriment of the class for most of the rest of the day. It was a 10 minute in-class assignment, but ended up spending hours on it, ignoring most of what was going on in class around me -- much the way I used to do back in elementary school (which got me labeled a "problem student" and put in the "special" class in 5th grade. *)

I went into a flow state, as I waded deep into the imagery of my fears, which was kind of cathartic, but also disturbing.

So much so, that when we were asked to show our pictures to the class, I declined. I wasn't comfortable sharing an image this disturbing with the rest of the class. Later, after much prodding, I shared the image with a couple of instructors, but only after some wheedling on their part.

After class, Anita, one of the instructors, sat down with me to have a long talk with me about what I was getting out of the class, and what my plans for the future were. After months of banging my head against a wall, it was nice to have someone from within the bureaucracy listen to me... I mean really listen to me.



^{* Remind me to tell you that story sometime.}

Comments

[kennapea.livejournal.com]

i was wondering what you were doing over there all day.



cigarettes?

[kadyg.livejournal.com]

Poor sweetie. I wish I could hand you a stiff drink or something.

I'm curious: Did wading into all of that and getting it on paper seem helpful at all? I ask because naming fears is usually suggested as the first step to dealing with them.

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

I remember my mum telling me when I was worried about nuclear war that she grew up during World War II and back then things looked so gloomy and everyone expected that it was the end of the world and that Hitler was the antichrist and stuff like that. She told me that there have always been bad things and the potential but you have to not let it bother you or prevent you from having your life.