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A self-pity party... all are invited
So I've been through anger, bargaining and depression (well I'm still in depression, actually)... don't see how denial's gonna work, but I'll be glad to get to acceptance. In the meantime, however, I have a question:
Is there truly someone for everyone? Or is that just a self-serving myth we tell ourselves and others with broken & lonely hearts, because the truth might just be too frightening to bear?
Is it possible that some people are just meant to be alone, no matter how much they try not to be?
What if not everyone has a "soul mate," or if you just missed them? What if the man of your dreams thinks you are too complicated and messed up to be involved with? Does that mean empty anonymous sex or celibacy are the only options left?
What if some men truly are islands?
Is there truly someone for everyone? Or is that just a self-serving myth we tell ourselves and others with broken & lonely hearts, because the truth might just be too frightening to bear?
Is it possible that some people are just meant to be alone, no matter how much they try not to be?
What if not everyone has a "soul mate," or if you just missed them? What if the man of your dreams thinks you are too complicated and messed up to be involved with? Does that mean empty anonymous sex or celibacy are the only options left?
What if some men truly are islands?
no subject
Hey, I love pity parties! I especially love the ones with live music.
No, I don't believe there is someone for everyone. That is far too limited, as far as I'm concerned. Rather, I think there are many someones for each of us, depending on our lives at the moment.
Sure, we may find the occasional person who knocks us off our feet, but even that kind of lucky-chance relationship needs to be cultivated to be fully realized.
Also it seems to me that if the man of your dreams thinks you are not good enough the way you are, then perhaps you need to change your dreams. In other words, I think it is your job to bring your total self to the party, and it is your potential partner's job to do the same. Then you both can look honestly and decide if it will work or not.
I guess what I'm trying to say (it feels really late, and I'm very tired) is that you are putting a value judgment on something that is more neutral. In other words, rather than saying the relationship didn't work because you are broken, maybe you should re-frame the situation and say that it didn't work because the two of you were in different places and, as a result, were not compatible. There is no right or wrong there, it just is that way. It's like trying to build a house on a hill prone to mudslides. It doesn't matter how good the view is, and how much you want the house to be in that spot, does it? It is just a bad idea and no one is at fault.
Also, I think we make ourselves islands. It doesn't just happen out of the blue. (I'm sure there are examples of extreme mental illness where that might be the case, but that's another world from the one you inhabit, Kevyn.)
That said, it still sucks much donkey dick to feel like this and to have this kind of shitty thing happen to you. I wish you well!
By the way, it was very nice to have you over for dinner! I am glad we are getting back in contact. Thanks for not giving up on me.
Mac
37 years old and still single... is that something to be alarmed at?
> Hey, I love pity parties! I especially love the ones with live music.
Would you like a little cheese to go with that whine, sir?
> I think it is your job to bring your total self to the party, and it is your potential partner's job to do the same. Then you both can look honestly and decide if it will work or not.
My GREATEST fear (after nuclear war) is that, when I do bring my total self to a relationship, when the other person sees me as I truly am, and not as some sort of idealized illusion they have, they will react in horror/revulsion/disgust/fear/disappointment. I've been rejected so many times in my life that I am paralyzed with fear in bringing my total self to the table, because I've never seen anyone accept me on my own terms - at least not romantically.
I guess it's art of why I have been in so many long-distance relationships, because the other party takes a lot longer that way to get to know the real you, and the inevitable fallout is later in coming.
> In other words, rather than saying the relationship didn't work because you are broken, maybe you should re-frame the situation and say that it didn't work because the two of you were in different places and, as a result, were not compatible. There is no right or wrong there, it just is that way.
I completely understand what you are saying about re-framing the situation, Mac... but after 37 years of being single, with pretty much only failed long-distance relationships under my belt, I'm beginning to think that I am in a totally different place than EVERYONE. I am beginning to think there is something about me that makes me incompatible with all potential partners, and once one starts to suspect that, how can one NOT think there is something "broken" about me (And yes, I do think there is something "broken" about me.)
Re: 37 years old and still single... is that something to be alarmed at?
Careful, that's my friend you're talking about there.
Actually, I'm with pocketllama on this one: There are someones for everyone. (What am I up to now, 5, 6? people that meant a great deal to me but wouldn't work for the long-term?) And so what that all of your relationships have ended? Please keep in mind that Society tends to call a relationship succesful only when one half dies. I also think that soul mates are created, not found. And some couples never get there, but it's still a successful partnership.
For prospective: Liz Taylor has a whopping 8 divorces under her belt. Do you think she's shuffling around in her jammies wondering what's wrong with her? No! She's hand-feeding Michael Jackson - which is much sadder.
XOXO
Re: 37 years old and still single... is that something to be alarmed at?
I've been thinking about this statement this week, and I don't define a "successful" relationship that way. Successful, to me, is when a relationship is reciprocal (Three of the men I loved were straight), NOT Long distance (Four of them were that), loving, sexually compatible (a biggie for me), and for an extended period of time (let's just say a year-and-a-day, for the sake of argument).
Are these criteria I put on successful relationships too unrealistic?