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So I've been through anger, bargaining and depression (well I'm still in depression, actually)... don't see how denial's gonna work, but I'll be glad to get to acceptance. In the meantime, however, I have a question:
Is there truly someone for everyone? Or is that just a self-serving myth we tell ourselves and others with broken & lonely hearts, because the truth might just be too frightening to bear?
Is it possible that some people are just meant to be alone, no matter how much they try not to be?
What if not everyone has a "soul mate," or if you just missed them? What if the man of your dreams thinks you are too complicated and messed up to be involved with? Does that mean empty anonymous sex or celibacy are the only options left?
What if some men truly are islands?
Is there truly someone for everyone? Or is that just a self-serving myth we tell ourselves and others with broken & lonely hearts, because the truth might just be too frightening to bear?
Is it possible that some people are just meant to be alone, no matter how much they try not to be?
What if not everyone has a "soul mate," or if you just missed them? What if the man of your dreams thinks you are too complicated and messed up to be involved with? Does that mean empty anonymous sex or celibacy are the only options left?
What if some men truly are islands?
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From:
On denial
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no subject
Hey, I love pity parties! I especially love the ones with live music.
No, I don't believe there is someone for everyone. That is far too limited, as far as I'm concerned. Rather, I think there are many someones for each of us, depending on our lives at the moment.
Sure, we may find the occasional person who knocks us off our feet, but even that kind of lucky-chance relationship needs to be cultivated to be fully realized.
Also it seems to me that if the man of your dreams thinks you are not good enough the way you are, then perhaps you need to change your dreams. In other words, I think it is your job to bring your total self to the party, and it is your potential partner's job to do the same. Then you both can look honestly and decide if it will work or not.
I guess what I'm trying to say (it feels really late, and I'm very tired) is that you are putting a value judgment on something that is more neutral. In other words, rather than saying the relationship didn't work because you are broken, maybe you should re-frame the situation and say that it didn't work because the two of you were in different places and, as a result, were not compatible. There is no right or wrong there, it just is that way. It's like trying to build a house on a hill prone to mudslides. It doesn't matter how good the view is, and how much you want the house to be in that spot, does it? It is just a bad idea and no one is at fault.
Also, I think we make ourselves islands. It doesn't just happen out of the blue. (I'm sure there are examples of extreme mental illness where that might be the case, but that's another world from the one you inhabit, Kevyn.)
That said, it still sucks much donkey dick to feel like this and to have this kind of shitty thing happen to you. I wish you well!
By the way, it was very nice to have you over for dinner! I am glad we are getting back in contact. Thanks for not giving up on me.
Mac
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37 years old and still single... is that something to be alarmed at?
> Hey, I love pity parties! I especially love the ones with live music.
Would you like a little cheese to go with that whine, sir?
> I think it is your job to bring your total self to the party, and it is your potential partner's job to do the same. Then you both can look honestly and decide if it will work or not.
My GREATEST fear (after nuclear war) is that, when I do bring my total self to a relationship, when the other person sees me as I truly am, and not as some sort of idealized illusion they have, they will react in horror/revulsion/disgust/fear/disappointment. I've been rejected so many times in my life that I am paralyzed with fear in bringing my total self to the table, because I've never seen anyone accept me on my own terms - at least not romantically.
I guess it's art of why I have been in so many long-distance relationships, because the other party takes a lot longer that way to get to know the real you, and the inevitable fallout is later in coming.
> In other words, rather than saying the relationship didn't work because you are broken, maybe you should re-frame the situation and say that it didn't work because the two of you were in different places and, as a result, were not compatible. There is no right or wrong there, it just is that way.
I completely understand what you are saying about re-framing the situation, Mac... but after 37 years of being single, with pretty much only failed long-distance relationships under my belt, I'm beginning to think that I am in a totally different place than EVERYONE. I am beginning to think there is something about me that makes me incompatible with all potential partners, and once one starts to suspect that, how can one NOT think there is something "broken" about me (And yes, I do think there is something "broken" about me.)
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Re: 37 years old and still single... is that something to be alarmed at?
Careful, that's my friend you're talking about there.
Actually, I'm with pocketllama on this one: There are someones for everyone. (What am I up to now, 5, 6? people that meant a great deal to me but wouldn't work for the long-term?) And so what that all of your relationships have ended? Please keep in mind that Society tends to call a relationship succesful only when one half dies. I also think that soul mates are created, not found. And some couples never get there, but it's still a successful partnership.
For prospective: Liz Taylor has a whopping 8 divorces under her belt. Do you think she's shuffling around in her jammies wondering what's wrong with her? No! She's hand-feeding Michael Jackson - which is much sadder.
XOXO
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Re: 37 years old and still single... is that something to be alarmed at?
I've been thinking about this statement this week, and I don't define a "successful" relationship that way. Successful, to me, is when a relationship is reciprocal (Three of the men I loved were straight), NOT Long distance (Four of them were that), loving, sexually compatible (a biggie for me), and for an extended period of time (let's just say a year-and-a-day, for the sake of argument).
Are these criteria I put on successful relationships too unrealistic?
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no subject
We are all in some respect broken. Thanks to mom dad hamilton the christian churches the fricken school system the hormones and pollution in the food the bad air the mafia the baby boomers jose paredes and my own brain chemistry ... and yet it is still possible to have relationships.
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I've resisted answering this one...
> you gotta put the work into fashioning the relationship
And, I think, with Giovanni, it was the first time I ever saw the potential for a real relationship that was worth putting work into. 37 is a little old to start dating, ja? Just call me a 37-year-old virgin.
> And a person may decide it's not worth it, to them, to put that work in, which I think is an OK decision.
I agree it's an OK decision, Bill.
But it hurts like hell when you are the one who is rejected over and over and over again.
> i don't see any reason that everyone MUST be partnered.
Must. Wow. Compulsory partnership.
Frankly, Bill, that statement is the reason I haven't answered this for a week, because it REALLY bothered me.
My initial gut reaction was, "Oh that's easy for you to say Bill, you've been able to have successful partnerships." Kind of like the old joke, why is sex like air? You only worry about it when you don't have it.
> ... and yet it is still possible to have relationships.
I want to believe you Bill. I want to believe it's possible.
But I'm 37 years old, and have been alone the whole time.
And I am so, so tired of being alone.
At the rate I am going, I will die alone, never having had a partner.
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Re: I've resisted answering this one...
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Re: I've resisted answering this one...
I'm sorry.
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What I would give to have a definitive answer....
Also, I sometimes wonder about the people who are looking for a person with qualities of a "specific type" to fulfill their needs. I thought the same thing until
flawstraits. Some days it's not 100% perfection. But for us, there is this chemistry that makes me want to stay with him and vice-versa. I enjoy his company. Some people have verbally mentioned that we seem to be the right people for each other. (Even non-verbally, both sets of parents!)I've always wondered if I'll be alone for the rest of my life and I was resigned to the possibility that I would be alone. I believe I still can live with that. But it was still important to still be social (e.g.: dinners, bear events, other things.)
Hnag in there.
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Re: What I would give to have a definitive answer....
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Re: What I would give to have a definitive answer....
I know. And I try. But when I am social, it takes so much effort for me sometimes. I know deep down that the only reason I am being social is with the ulterior motive of meeting a man.
And my desire to have sex always overrides my ability to relate to people on a social level. I'm so damn needy and complex that I don't attract a lot of men.
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no subject
Relationships require several conditions to grow and flourish: they require two whole people; they require both people to be honest, forgiving, and willing to work at the relationship; they require time. "twu wuv at first sight" is a seed; nurturing is required to grow a relationship. And there are many kinds of seeds.
I don't think it's a matter of finding "the one that is right for you" - I think it's a matter of finding someone that is right for you. There are many possibilites out there. Yes, it can be frustrating to find them, and painful to deal with the ones that don't work out, for whatever reason. There are always others out there, who will love and accept you for who you are, with whom you can have a loving, fulfilling relationship.
You've been painfully rejected; you're hurting. I know how it feels, all too damn well. But this too will pass. There is love for you out there, hon. Hell, looks like there's a lot of love for you right here, even if it's not the kind you're looking for. :) *many hugs*
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I think this is the problem
I don't think I am whole.
And 20+ years of therapy haven't helped at making me whole.
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no subject
From:
Hey Kevin!
> sometimes a man needs to be his own island, at least for a period of time.
But what if he was born on that island and can't ever leave...?
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Re: Hey Kevin!
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Re: Hey Kevin!