A self-pity party... all are invited

[kevyn]

So I've been through anger, bargaining and depression (well I'm still in depression, actually)... don't see how denial's gonna work, but I'll be glad to get to acceptance. In the meantime, however, I have a question:

Is there truly someone for everyone? Or is that just a self-serving myth we tell ourselves and others with broken & lonely hearts, because the truth might just be too frightening to bear?

Is it possible that some people are just meant to be alone, no matter how much they try not to be?

What if not everyone has a "soul mate," or if you just missed them? What if the man of your dreams thinks you are too complicated and messed up to be involved with? Does that mean empty anonymous sex or celibacy are the only options left?

What if some men truly are islands?

Comments

On denial

[kevynjacobs.livejournal.com]

Actually, now that I think about it, denial was what I faced first... believing that he actually might have wanted to choose me after he told me he "met someone". I guess I was in denial that he had already decided not to date me. I was in denial that I could actually compete for his attention and beat out the other guy (if he exists) - which led me right into bargaining. Followed by anger and more bargaining and then depression.

[pocketlama.livejournal.com]

Hey, I love pity parties! I especially love the ones with live music.

No, I don't believe there is someone for everyone. That is far too limited, as far as I'm concerned. Rather, I think there are many someones for each of us, depending on our lives at the moment.

Sure, we may find the occasional person who knocks us off our feet, but even that kind of lucky-chance relationship needs to be cultivated to be fully realized.

Also it seems to me that if the man of your dreams thinks you are not good enough the way you are, then perhaps you need to change your dreams. In other words, I think it is your job to bring your total self to the party, and it is your potential partner's job to do the same. Then you both can look honestly and decide if it will work or not.

I guess what I'm trying to say (it feels really late, and I'm very tired) is that you are putting a value judgment on something that is more neutral. In other words, rather than saying the relationship didn't work because you are broken, maybe you should re-frame the situation and say that it didn't work because the two of you were in different places and, as a result, were not compatible. There is no right or wrong there, it just is that way. It's like trying to build a house on a hill prone to mudslides. It doesn't matter how good the view is, and how much you want the house to be in that spot, does it? It is just a bad idea and no one is at fault.

Also, I think we make ourselves islands. It doesn't just happen out of the blue. (I'm sure there are examples of extreme mental illness where that might be the case, but that's another world from the one you inhabit, Kevyn.)

That said, it still sucks much donkey dick to feel like this and to have this kind of shitty thing happen to you. I wish you well!

By the way, it was very nice to have you over for dinner! I am glad we are getting back in contact. Thanks for not giving up on me.

Mac

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

My belief is that you don't find relationships, like buying a suit off the rack, instead you have to make them. There's plenty of raw materials out there, but you gotta put the work into fashioning the relationship. And a person may decide it's not worth it, to them, to put that work in, which I think is an OK decision. i don't see any reason that everyone MUST be partnered.

We are all in some respect broken. Thanks to mom dad hamilton the christian churches the fricken school system the hormones and pollution in the food the bad air the mafia the baby boomers jose paredes and my own brain chemistry ... and yet it is still possible to have relationships.

What I would give to have a definitive answer....

[gmjambear]

I don't believe there is such a thing as "someone for everyone". I used to think that it was true but with the number of couples (as an example male/female) who end up in the press (e.g.: murder/suicides) I wondered if people are really meant to be together. I know those are extreme cases but to me some people are so into "being with someone" that they have a lot of difficulty living alone.

Also, I sometimes wonder about the people who are looking for a person with qualities of a "specific type" to fulfill their needs. I thought the same thing until redcub introduced me to bigmacbear nearly seven years ago. It has not been a perfect relationship. We have made our share of mistakes. We have coped with each other's character flaws traits. Some days it's not 100% perfection. But for us, there is this chemistry that makes me want to stay with him and vice-versa. I enjoy his company. Some people have verbally mentioned that we seem to be the right people for each other. (Even non-verbally, both sets of parents!)

I've always wondered if I'll be alone for the rest of my life and I was resigned to the possibility that I would be alone. I believe I still can live with that. But it was still important to still be social (e.g.: dinners, bear events, other things.)

Hnag in there.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

I don't belive in "soul mates" - in that "when our eyes met, it was Love At First Sight, happily ever after, kittens and rainbows, yay!" I don't buy it. The first part happens, sure; that's how I got into my relationship with the emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive Psycho Hose Beast. I walked into the room and said "Whoah - that one. I want that one! Yow!" Then lived with him, for two years of hell.

Relationships require several conditions to grow and flourish: they require two whole people; they require both people to be honest, forgiving, and willing to work at the relationship; they require time. "twu wuv at first sight" is a seed; nurturing is required to grow a relationship. And there are many kinds of seeds.

I don't think it's a matter of finding "the one that is right for you" - I think it's a matter of finding someone that is right for you. There are many possibilites out there. Yes, it can be frustrating to find them, and painful to deal with the ones that don't work out, for whatever reason. There are always others out there, who will love and accept you for who you are, with whom you can have a loving, fulfilling relationship.

You've been painfully rejected; you're hurting. I know how it feels, all too damn well. But this too will pass. There is love for you out there, hon. Hell, looks like there's a lot of love for you right here, even if it's not the kind you're looking for. :) *many hugs*

[kj.livejournal.com]

Considering the day you posted this marked nine years of singleness for myself, I'm probably the wrong person to ask. But, sometimes a man needs to be his own island, at least for a period of time.