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Entry tags:
- depression,
- dshs,
- dvr,
- meds
Still on a long slow swan dive into oblivion....
I'm still without antidepressant meds due to bureaucratic snafus, and have been barely holding it together. I'm supposed to be going to the Dept. of Vocational Rehabilitation (DVR) seminar tomorrow morning, so why am I still awake tossing and turning and unable to sleep? My brain is going a thousand rpm, and the dark cloud that envelopes my soul is still there.
I'm still waking up in the mornings, disappointed that I hadn't died in my sleep.
I was first hospitalized for major depression in 1984, when I was 16 years old. Spent 6 weeks on a psych ward back then. Nearly dropped out of high school because of it.
Since then, there have been multiple hospitalizations, an army of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and clinical counselors. Drugs, oh yes, there have been drugs - Lithium, Tofranil, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Lamictal, Zoloft. Some work for a while then give out. Others work ok, and then the U.S. For-Profit Insurance System(TM) fails me and I am forced off of them. And am back into spiraling down mode. And some were just wildly inappropriate, since I am not bipolar -- I don't have manic phases.
There were active suicide attempts in my early-to-mid twenties, before I learned how to cope with the depressions. I haven't actually attempted suicide since 1995 or so, though there have been the occasional fantasies (the clinical term for this is ideation). Though it could be argued that whole parts of my life have been passive suicide attempts: just giving up and not caring and not working to hold myself together very well. Like now.
Chronic major depression really, really sucks.
I'm third generation with severe mental health problems requiring institutionalization, all coming down the Wright family tree (my mother's side). There seems to be one of us in each generation, who just can't hold it together. I have warned my siblings about this, to keep an eye on their kids for signs of the darkness of the soul.
My Aunt Cissy (mom's sister, and my godmother) has been in an institution for a long, long time. My Great Aunt Evelyn (mom's paternal aunt) was also institutionalized for acting out violently, though I have never heard the full details. My mother is prone to depression. And there is some indication that her father might have committed suicide (No one is sure, because he disappeared unexpectedly when mom was young, leaving a bewildered wife and 5 children behind, and turned up dead in a traffic accident several days later, halfway across the continent. With no explanation.)
So I came by this condition honestly, it's more than likely genetic, and not a weakness of character. (Though some members of my family might consider my atheism a weakness of character.)
Anyway, back to my current situation. I have applied for Social Security Disability before, and was turned down, mostly because I go through periods of lucidity where I can work and do all the things a responsible adult is expected to do - go to school, hold down a job, etc. - which gets me kicked out of the system. But then the dark storm clouds return to my brain, and I fall apart again. It's a yo-yo, and it's been going on for almost 25 years now. It's why I have been unable to graduate from college, why I have trouble holding down a steady job, why I've never been able to keep a relationship, why I tend to lose friends, and why I tend to bounce around from place to place.
If I re-open my disability case (which I am seriously considering doing), I am going to argue that my disability dates back to 1984 at the least. None of this "when did you become disabled" BS dating back to my last job that I was able to hold down in a brief period of lucidity. I'm seeing a lifelong pattern here, and much of my life has been either avoiding the issue, or just trying to cope with it.
One of the reasons this is bouncing around my head is something my psychiatrist at WWU said to me the last time I saw her: "After college, then what?" The clear implication being, I've spent 21 years unsuccessfully able to complete a Bachelor's degree, how likely is it that I will be stable in a post-college job?
I don't think it's likely.
Which scares the shit out of me, because I have almost $30,000 in student loan debt, and I may very well be unable to pay it off. Default looms. And you can't clear student loan debt through bankruptcy. (Yes, I am seriously considering bankruptcy to clear all my other debts.)
I'm not thrilled with the idea of going on permanent disability, though it could get me off the student loan hook. But it would mean I spend the rest of my life at the public teat, and there's no telling how much longer that largesse will last.
It also means I give up my dreams of running away to Canada, which I have nurtured for over a decade. And I am scared scared SCARED that this country is well on its way to becoming a Christian Fascist State (with Blackwater as the New American S.S., zieg heil!). Fat crippled atheist outspoken homosexuals with mental health issues have a tendency to be lined up and summarily shot in such countries. Or worse. (Of course, it may be a moot point if Bush starts WW III over Iran's nuclear programme, but I digress into paranoid delusions.)
Anywho, I have been grappling with DSHS over benefits for the past week, and have been put on GAU (General Assistance Unemployable), with the proviso that I engage in regular ongoing mental health treatment at the local mental health clinic. EXCEPT GAU won't pay for mental health counsling! AAAAAAAAARGH!
The stated reason DSHS has for giving me GAU instead of GAX (which does cover mental health treatment) is that I'm a student, working with DVR to get rehabilitated, and I am not on the Social Security Disability (SSI) track.
Now, I just got a letter from WWU saying all of my financial aid has been canceled, because I am not enrolled in school. So the whole issue of me finishing my degree may simply be academic. And right now, I have zero enthusiasm for school. Without motivation, I won't succeed, and I'm too tired to fight the bureaucracy. And the Slacker in me is enjoying the ride.
Of course if I give up the dream of moving to Canada, I don't need a degree. And if I file to have my SSI case re-opened, I'll have better access to mental health treatment here in Bellingham (which I don't want to leave -- believe me, I won't get better mental health treatment in Kansas, or worse yet, Kentucky. And I just don't have the energy or the money to start over yet again.) So giving up on school for now and becoming a permanent "burden on society" may be the best option for whatever time I have left.
Incidentally, I am also losing my ability to walk. I have been steadily losing my mobility for over a decade now -- severe plantar faciitis due to congenital pronation, and osteoarthritis so bad my doctor was shocked to see it in someone so young (I'll likely have to have my knees replaced before I am 45, if I live that long), plus the occasional bouts of gout have left me hobbling around and frequently bedridden.
And miserable.
I am falling apart. And sometimes, I feel like I am just waiting to die.
My phone has been disconnected. My internet connection is going to get turned off soon (so if I go incommunicado in the near future, you'll know why.) The electricity is likely to follow soon after. And the only reason I am not homeless is my mother is paying my rent -- and I don't know how long she can keep that up.
I'm so tired. So, so tired.
But just for the record: I am not currently suicidal!
I'm still waking up in the mornings, disappointed that I hadn't died in my sleep.
I was first hospitalized for major depression in 1984, when I was 16 years old. Spent 6 weeks on a psych ward back then. Nearly dropped out of high school because of it.
Since then, there have been multiple hospitalizations, an army of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and clinical counselors. Drugs, oh yes, there have been drugs - Lithium, Tofranil, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Lamictal, Zoloft. Some work for a while then give out. Others work ok, and then the U.S. For-Profit Insurance System(TM) fails me and I am forced off of them. And am back into spiraling down mode. And some were just wildly inappropriate, since I am not bipolar -- I don't have manic phases.
There were active suicide attempts in my early-to-mid twenties, before I learned how to cope with the depressions. I haven't actually attempted suicide since 1995 or so, though there have been the occasional fantasies (the clinical term for this is ideation). Though it could be argued that whole parts of my life have been passive suicide attempts: just giving up and not caring and not working to hold myself together very well. Like now.
Chronic major depression really, really sucks.
I'm third generation with severe mental health problems requiring institutionalization, all coming down the Wright family tree (my mother's side). There seems to be one of us in each generation, who just can't hold it together. I have warned my siblings about this, to keep an eye on their kids for signs of the darkness of the soul.
My Aunt Cissy (mom's sister, and my godmother) has been in an institution for a long, long time. My Great Aunt Evelyn (mom's paternal aunt) was also institutionalized for acting out violently, though I have never heard the full details. My mother is prone to depression. And there is some indication that her father might have committed suicide (No one is sure, because he disappeared unexpectedly when mom was young, leaving a bewildered wife and 5 children behind, and turned up dead in a traffic accident several days later, halfway across the continent. With no explanation.)
So I came by this condition honestly, it's more than likely genetic, and not a weakness of character. (Though some members of my family might consider my atheism a weakness of character.)
Anyway, back to my current situation. I have applied for Social Security Disability before, and was turned down, mostly because I go through periods of lucidity where I can work and do all the things a responsible adult is expected to do - go to school, hold down a job, etc. - which gets me kicked out of the system. But then the dark storm clouds return to my brain, and I fall apart again. It's a yo-yo, and it's been going on for almost 25 years now. It's why I have been unable to graduate from college, why I have trouble holding down a steady job, why I've never been able to keep a relationship, why I tend to lose friends, and why I tend to bounce around from place to place.
If I re-open my disability case (which I am seriously considering doing), I am going to argue that my disability dates back to 1984 at the least. None of this "when did you become disabled" BS dating back to my last job that I was able to hold down in a brief period of lucidity. I'm seeing a lifelong pattern here, and much of my life has been either avoiding the issue, or just trying to cope with it.
One of the reasons this is bouncing around my head is something my psychiatrist at WWU said to me the last time I saw her: "After college, then what?" The clear implication being, I've spent 21 years unsuccessfully able to complete a Bachelor's degree, how likely is it that I will be stable in a post-college job?
I don't think it's likely.
Which scares the shit out of me, because I have almost $30,000 in student loan debt, and I may very well be unable to pay it off. Default looms. And you can't clear student loan debt through bankruptcy. (Yes, I am seriously considering bankruptcy to clear all my other debts.)
I'm not thrilled with the idea of going on permanent disability, though it could get me off the student loan hook. But it would mean I spend the rest of my life at the public teat, and there's no telling how much longer that largesse will last.
It also means I give up my dreams of running away to Canada, which I have nurtured for over a decade. And I am scared scared SCARED that this country is well on its way to becoming a Christian Fascist State (with Blackwater as the New American S.S., zieg heil!). Fat crippled atheist outspoken homosexuals with mental health issues have a tendency to be lined up and summarily shot in such countries. Or worse. (Of course, it may be a moot point if Bush starts WW III over Iran's nuclear programme, but I digress into paranoid delusions.)
Anywho, I have been grappling with DSHS over benefits for the past week, and have been put on GAU (General Assistance Unemployable), with the proviso that I engage in regular ongoing mental health treatment at the local mental health clinic. EXCEPT GAU won't pay for mental health counsling! AAAAAAAAARGH!
The stated reason DSHS has for giving me GAU instead of GAX (which does cover mental health treatment) is that I'm a student, working with DVR to get rehabilitated, and I am not on the Social Security Disability (SSI) track.
Now, I just got a letter from WWU saying all of my financial aid has been canceled, because I am not enrolled in school. So the whole issue of me finishing my degree may simply be academic. And right now, I have zero enthusiasm for school. Without motivation, I won't succeed, and I'm too tired to fight the bureaucracy. And the Slacker in me is enjoying the ride.
Of course if I give up the dream of moving to Canada, I don't need a degree. And if I file to have my SSI case re-opened, I'll have better access to mental health treatment here in Bellingham (which I don't want to leave -- believe me, I won't get better mental health treatment in Kansas, or worse yet, Kentucky. And I just don't have the energy or the money to start over yet again.) So giving up on school for now and becoming a permanent "burden on society" may be the best option for whatever time I have left.
Incidentally, I am also losing my ability to walk. I have been steadily losing my mobility for over a decade now -- severe plantar faciitis due to congenital pronation, and osteoarthritis so bad my doctor was shocked to see it in someone so young (I'll likely have to have my knees replaced before I am 45, if I live that long), plus the occasional bouts of gout have left me hobbling around and frequently bedridden.
And miserable.
I am falling apart. And sometimes, I feel like I am just waiting to die.
My phone has been disconnected. My internet connection is going to get turned off soon (so if I go incommunicado in the near future, you'll know why.) The electricity is likely to follow soon after. And the only reason I am not homeless is my mother is paying my rent -- and I don't know how long she can keep that up.
I'm so tired. So, so tired.
But just for the record: I am not currently suicidal!
no subject
Kathryn went to the nearby county mental health clinic and talked to a guy, we've also talked to the mental health person at my medical clinic. The idea is to get me in as fast as possible when it does open up.
With all the extra energy and motivation you have stored up, you might want to do the same. ;-) I know it's hard as hell to do the work, but I just wanted you to know it's out there (or will be out there soon).
By the way, I actually don't think you will be a "burden on society." As my mother said to me last night, that is what community is for! We help each other and we carry each other when needed. You are worth it because of who you are and we need you around, so we (society) has every good reason to keep you around. So there!
"pilot" GAU program
>By the way, I actually don't think you will be a "burden on society." As my mother said to me last night, that is what community is for! We help each other and we carry each other when needed. You are worth it because of who you are and we need you around, so we (society) has every good reason to keep you around.
Awww, thanks Mac. ;-) I only wish the people of this country shared your sentiments. It's disheartening to know that there are large masses of people who -- if they knew who I was and what my problems were -- would consider me a "waste of skin," and would just as soon see me dead.
Re: "pilot" GAU program
(A guy I used to know would always tell people who were depressed to, "Cheer up!" He was an asshole...)
Cheer up! ;-)
no subject
I don't know what to say. It seems so insurmountable but I know that there are people who also have major challenges in their lives and they've managed to live with them or get beyond them. I believe that you can do it too.
no subject
no subject
Of course they would have to take you on as a "pro bono" case, but heck, if they say no you're at least no worse off than you were before.
Something to consider.
no subject
In my case, I got a temp job with Manpower just to get by, and it fucked up my claim. My lawyer recused herself from the case at that point, rcognizing that she wasn't going to make any money off of me, and Social Security closed the case.
no subject
no subject
Works for me! ;-)
>hang in there man, a couple years ago i tried some stupid things when i was depressed
Thanks... I'm, not trying anything stupid, just have to ride out the mental storm. Long experience has taught me that!