kevyn: (Default)
( Apr. 18th, 2009 05:39 am)
I was visited by wolves last night.
No, they didn't attack me or anything (though I was wary of them!) they were just passing through.

Gods, I love the intense, vivid dreams that nicotine patches bring!
I dreamed last night that I was at some sort of sporting event with my family (odd, because my family doesn't do sporting events). We were in a large stadium, and there was some sort of drawing for door prizes. Then a special prize was awarded -- one of the sections of the stadium would get a "big prize" award -- and it turned out to be our section! Everyone in our section would get to go to the special "big prize" gift shop and choose one item. We were all very excited.

As we walked en masses up the stairs to the gift shop, we discussed what it was we would choose.

"Well, just remember," someone said, "we have to be able to fit everything into the car!"

We arrived at the gift shop. My sister had her eye on a new bicycle, and took it immediately. My brother took an huge set of Star Wars action figures in a giant Star Destroyer carrying case. Mom grabbed something (I didn't see what) and left.

And me... I just stood there, overwhelmed. So many choices.

I couldn't decide! Was there anything in here I really needed? (not really) Was there anything I absolutely wanted? (Sure, there were things that were cool, but did I really *want* them?)

I was able to determine that just about everything in the "big prize" gift shop had a retail value of about $1,000. So it occurred to me, I could sell my item on ebay, and take the cash.

But that didn't even help. So many things, and absolutely nothing that jumped out at me. Other people came and went, happily carting out their prizes... but not me. I examined everything. Weighed the possibilities. (The Star Wars action figures had resale value, but I couldn't open them, because Mint-In-Box is more valuable. The 4-foot-tall ivory Nutcracker would sell, as we're getting close to Christmas, but isn't ivory immoral? Hmmm, there's a fundraising kit, but that didn't seem like much fun. Nice wall clock...)

The store clerks were starting to get impatient with me, because I wouldn't choose. Everyone was waiting for me. What to take, what to take....

...and then I woke up.

There's a couple of things about my personality that I think this dream reveals.

First, is that I'm not especially materialistic. Contrary to what our culture teaches is valuable, I'm not a hoarder of stuff. The fact that I wasn't going to just impulse take something that seemed cool to own is not far from the reality in my own life. I like nice things, but I don't tend to buy things unless I *really* want it, or I *really* need it. I'm constantly getting rid of things in my own life, because too many things just clutters up my life. If I don't actually need it, or if it doesn't bring me a very high level of enjoyment, I don't buy it. In some ways, I am a marketer's worst nightmare, because I don't have to have it just because it's cool.

Second, I am aware that research has shown that too many choices can actually make people unhappy.
I know I can be that way. I get paralyzed with indecision in my own life, because there is so much available to me in my own life.

I especially see this in how it relates to my many gifts and talents. I have had the hardest time settling on a major/career. In my DVR class, we've been exploring strengths, and I have so many, I can't decide. I can do so many things well, I've never been able to settle on just one to fully develop. I get bored, I don't stick with develping any one talent or skill, and I have ended up becoming a true jack-of-all-trades, master of none. Aside from the fact that I just don't particularly want to work, this has actually been a major problem in my life. I can't choose what I want to do!

The fact that I was starting to judge things based on their resale value also reflects an entrepenurial streak. I have been selling stuff on ebay for years (never made much money at it). My judgement of the stuff in the dream stopped being about what value it held for me and satisfying my own desires (since nothing was doing that), and started being about what I could sell to others, to fill others' desires.
kevyn: (Default)
( Feb. 16th, 1999 09:00 am)
I dreamt of roses: big, red, trellis-climbing garden roses.

I'm in Beast's backyard (though Beast never actually appears in this dream). He's living in a trailer, and strangely enough his backyard sits on a circular drive where other homes sit with their backyards to the street.

I am admiring all of the flowers growing in his backyard, and the side of his trailer is covered in plants, in hanging baskets, in window boxes flowers, and roses climbing everything. There are pink roses and there are red roses. There are red roses in the other backyards around the circle.

An older couple, neighbors of Beast, are making their way around the circle, stopping at each yard to examine only the red roses. I know that the red roses in every yard have come from the red roses in the old couple's yard. Has Beast stolen them, I wonder?

They finally get to the yard I am in, and nod to me, smiling, before turning their attention to Beast's red roses. The old woman says, "Oh, they are doing so well here!"

Thinking maybe Beast has stolen them, I try to defend him. "Maybe their seeds blew over here?"

"No," the old man answers. "It is easier to get these growing when you transplant them from someplace else..."

...And I wake up (have to pee!)

Now, in thinking about this dream, it occurs to me that the rose is not symbolizing to me what it would symbolize to most people - love. It may be symbolizing that, but there is a deeper possibility that it is symbolic of : Spirituality. The reason why I think that is the Buddhist parable of he rose garden, which has floated in my conscious mind for a long time now.

It goes like this:

Religion is like a rose garden.
A garden filled only with roses is quite beautiful.
But how much more beautiful is that garden
if it is filled with many kinds of flowers?

I find that sentiment -- of the beauty of diversity in the garden of spirituality - to be most comforting. It is a powerful visual image for me, and thus I don't just equate roses with love.

There is also another possibility, one which I give less credence to: Kevin once told me that all of us -- Me, Kevin, Beast, and some others -- have been together in a past life, in some sort of abbey or convent or monastery, which featured as a central symbol 2 roses in stained glass.

Apparently, in this life we are brought together not to make the same mistakes of past lives. I take Kevin's pronouncements of this nature with a grain of salt, but who knows, maybe this is a reason for this imagery.
kevyn: (Default)
( Feb. 13th, 1999 08:00 am)
...I was talking to Ken from MMF. He was wearing his outfit from last year's Dress-Up Night: He was wearing a leather vest... and nothing else. He is so handsome!

Then the scene shifts, and I am swimming in a large body of water with someone else.
I dive down deep into the water, deeper and deeper, and I look up at the other person who is still at the surface.

I can't breathe, my air is running out, I swim towards the surface, I 'm desperate, I have to break the surface before I suffocate, drown.
I fly towards the surface until I break the surface...

...And I wake up. Gasping.

I think that I had stopped breathing, and the dream was telling me, "You're not breathing! Wake up! BREATHE!"

I think I stop breathing often at night. I snore, and Dad said that he thinks I have sleep apnea. Could be. I could lose weight, that would help. But I think that someday, I am going to die in my sleep because of it.

But not today. Today, my dream was warning me. And Ken's presence in the dream was probably part of the warning, since Ken once told me that he had sleep apnea, and he's a big guy, too.
kevyn: (Default)
( Feb. 13th, 1999 12:00 am)
Come Nox
Come Dark
Come Silence
Allow me to release
My Monkey Mind
And open myself
To the possibilities
To the images
And the Spirits
And the impossibilities

Come into my mind
As it sleeps
And release
The hidden lusts
And fears
And absurd fantasies
That dance in full color
In my mind

Take me to places
Where my body
And my waking mind
Can never go

Come Sandman
And make my night
A visionary journey



kevyn: (Default)


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