Frankly speaking.

[kevyn]

Let me be frank with you. No, not my biological father. And not the people in Europe from whom I have descended (on both sides).

I mean sincere, honest, open, and straightforward. Brutally honest, as Miss Gendah Thing put it last summer.

Charlie says I lack tact.

I had to look up the word. There's surprisingly little on the subject on the web. Even the Wikipedia article is only a short stub paragraph.

I guess I am not surprised. For most people, it's second nature. Why write about something everyone understands?

I know I am frank in my speech and writing, and decided long ago that honesty is the best policy, but I guess I don't know when not to speak. So often when I do, I'm met with awkward silences, or worse, derision and ostracism. I think it's why I am so afraid of other people -- I am always afraid that I am going to say or do something to piss them off... which is frequently the case. (Though they may be too polite to say. I often can't tell.)

I am already aware that I don't read body language cues well, and don't always get social cues. I think this lack of tact may be related.

They must have been teaching "Tact 101" the same day they were teaching "Understanding Body Language." Somehow, I missed it. I musta been high on a book, escaping reality into some fantastic SciFi world.

How do people learn tact? Why is it a natural inborn skill for some people, while for others, it's a painful process to learn (or not, as the case may be)?

Is this learned from the family and parents? From classmates and friends? Is it predicated on an ability to read body language and other social cues?

Wikipedia says tact is "careful consideration of the feelings and values of another so as to create harmonious relationships."

I try to be considerate of others feelings, but I guess I don't know when to shut up. Which is ironic, because I am forever in a perpetual state of L'esprit de l'escalier, always thinking of a comeback too late.

Gods I hate conversations. They are an ordeal for me at times.

I just wonder if I have a new problem to work on now.

Comments

[furrbear.livejournal.com]

yeah, you ever get the feeling like you're on the wrong planet?

You may want to check out some info on Asperger's Syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome)

[kevynjacobs.livejournal.com]

yeah, you ever get the feeling like you're on the wrong planet?

Constantly.

You may want to check out some info on Asperger's Syndrome

Yeah, I've wondered about that before. I've never gotten a clear picture of if I fit on that spectrum or not. Some of my friends say they don't see it, thers do. *shrug*

If I do have Autism, it's a very mild case.

[backrubbear.livejournal.com]

I'd suspect that you fit on what I'd call the (SF) "Fannish autism" end of the spectrum. :-)

[kadyg.livejournal.com]

Interesting. I've never thought of you as tactless, but then you've usually said outloud whatever I was already thinking about whatever situation we were in. And I know you've called me on my mouth once or twice. So maybe it's a brain-to-mouth filter issue?

My friend roaminrob - who you met at our wedding - has reported the same thing. He has a terrible time reading face and body cues, doesn't pick up well on non-verbal communications, is baffled when I tell him that the cute girl at the auto store was flirting with him, etc. He's also done some research into Asperger's and suspects that he might be on the spectrum.

Or possibly bookish, geekish sorts like yourself and pretty much every other man in my non-school life just tend toward the cerebral and away from the intutive? Odd that you so rarely hear women reporting these kinds of problems.

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

You seemed fine to me anytime I've talked with you. There's nothing wrong with honest directness. The problem isn't you it's the people who live their lives with dishonesty that are the problem.
Some people operate in a world of unspoken mysteriousness and they expect others to somehow know what their tastes are.

The thing abour having a comeback too late made me laugh. I stopped listening to phone-in shows on the radio because it would be the next day when I'd have figured out what to call in about.