The End is Near

[kevyn]

I haven't had any antidepressants since I was kicked off my health insurance more than three weeks ago, so everything I write here is darkened by the storm clouds enveloping my brain.

I'm not going to finish my degree. That's pretty obvious to me now. I only have two quarters left to go before graduating, and it's clear it's not going to happen. After beating my head against the wall for the past couple of weeks, grappling with the bureaucracy of financial aid (which is all my own fault), student disability resources (who have been very helpful), instructors who insisted I get registered for classes (which I can't do), and my psychiatrist at the student health centre (who I adore), an important deadline passed yesterday: the last day to add classes this quarter.

Which means I am out for the quarter.

I'm too tired to fight for school anymore.

I haven't been able to register for classes because of two holds on my student account: One for overdue library books, and the other for an emergency student loan spring quarter (which mostly went to paying my phone bill and buying cigarettes) which I intended to pay with my summer student aid, but which never materialized because of my lackluster academic standing, and lack of federal grant funds for summer quarter.

I hate school. I hate reading for assignments, hate writing on deadlines, I hate the sustained mental effort and work required. I've just been going through the motions for the free rent.

When I spoke with the registrar yesterday, she said I *can* register after the deadline, with two caveats: I have to pay a $10 per credit hour penalty (money I don't have), and with instructor override permission. However, I haven't been to class this week - way too depressed and psychotic Monday, and I screwed up and showed up at the wrong time for class yesterday. Today, I'm writing this instead of going to class. So I seriously doubt the instructors will let me in, because I haven't been there putting out the required effort -- and I couldn't blame them. I wouldn't let a slacker like me in. I haven't shown a willingness to do the work.

I give up. I am not going to even try anymore. I lied to Rick when I told him this morning that I would try today. I can't even get out of bed.

The only thing that has kept me afloat this year is the fact that my mother has been paying my rent -- with the proviso that I go to school. Now that I have essentially fucked up school, it's only a matter of time before I am evicted from my apartment. With my feet and knees giving out on me, I can't get any kind of part-time job that requires standing for any length of time -- which is most of them. I don't see myself being able to hold down a full-time job, which is what most of the office jobs require. And my utter lack of interest and motivation to work at all is the final coup de grace to my even trying to find a job.

I have become, in short, a burden on society, my family, my friends, and my neighbours.

And I really don't care any more.

Without psychiatric meds, I am going into a major downward spiral, and I don't see an end to it. Homelessness and death, here I come. Suicide is looking more and more attractive by the day.

I called my mother today (using a neighbour's phone, since mine is disconnected). I left her a message on her answering machine, explaining that I had been kicked off of insurance, and wasn't being let back into school, and that maybe it's time for her to start letting me go. She can't prop me up forever, and I'm almost 40. If I haven't been able to get my life together and be an independent, responsible grown-up by now, it probably isn't going to happen. She needs to let me stand or fall on my own two feet (or not, which is what I expect to happen).

I think I must the biggest disappointment in her life. I'm gay, an atheist, mentally ill (there seems to be one of us in every generation of Wrights), unstable, flaky, and unable to be a self-sustaining adult. Her oldest child, and her greatest failure. My two younger siblings are well-adjusted, responsible adults with educations, good jobs, and families. I'm the fuck-up.

I'm too tired to fight anymore. I surrender to whatever consequences may come.

Comments

[bigmacbear]

gmjambear and I read over your post together and, frankly, neither of us knows quite how to respond. We don't have all the answers for you. But I for one feel obligated to at least make an attempt, because it would simply crush Gary (not to mention myself) if you were to allow yourself to go down in flames like this. And in that we're not alone; I needn't go down the list for you.

I'd like to help you at least convince yourself that you are worth saving, which we firmly believe, no matter what the bureaucrats at WWU might do that indicates to you that you're not. Maybe you just need to take a break from studying to clear your head.

You're intelligent -- you wouldn't have landed all those newspaper jobs and that editor job at McGraw-Hill if you weren't. And you write well. That, even without a degree, should count for something.

Failing that, you know your mother is pulling for you; otherwise she wouldn't be paying your rent. Given that you aren't getting anywhere on your own resources, you might want to just be upfront with her about your situation and see whether she can help. Gary suggests that perhaps the best thing you could do for yourself is to head home until you get your head turned around.

Oh, and please take this in the spirit it was intended, but you probably ought to lay off the 420 for a while (assuming you can afford any). It's known to be a demotivator and in your situation you need all the motivation you can get.

Please keep in touch, and I hope we'll see you again soon, good as new. As long as you take care of yourself, this too shall pass.

[kevynjacobs.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mike. I appreciate yours and Gary's concern.

When I am off my meds, I go through helacious mood swings, and my response to the worst moods and bad stressors (like not getting into school) sometimes is to just say "I give up" and curl into a little ball. Expressing it on LiveJournal helps, and which can sometimes be alarming for my friends and family.

Like this time.

Even though I wasn't actively contemplating suicide, others worried that I was, and I ended up being taken by the police to the ER.

Anyway, thanks for the reminder that I'm intelligent and write well. Mom has agreed to continue to pay my rent for the near future until I get re-stabilized on my meds again. Going to Kentucky isn't something I want to do... the mental health public services up here are far superior, and living with my mother again would drive me batty. And no argument here on the 420.

*hugs*

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

I hope things get better. You can always finish your degree sometime later in your life when things are better. Right now is not the time obviously. What can you do for work that doesn't involve standing so much? If you don't know then someone else might. There are career advice people who can help find a place in this world for you.

I remember you telling me that walking was your anti-depressant. Maybe you can strengthen your knees enough to do that again.

Hugs.

[kevynjacobs.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I am being seen by the Department of Vocational rehabilitation now, to try and get me through school and stabilized in a job.

I'm starting to walk better, and again. Changing my diet helped. So did getting Food Stamps.